Love, the wicked thing it is

I reread my last post, from so long ago and it made me cry. The funny thing is in the last six weeks my former live in boyfriend broke up with me and I have been dating the boy from the post. Who wouldn't let me walk out the door in my dream, who I have been in love with for four years and who is the only person in the whole world who has the power to destroy me. I have realized what a horrible idea it was to date the one person I could never get out my head. I am so afraid that when things go wrong I will be left in pieces with no idea of how to put myself back together. We both have so much baggage and I am so afraid this isn't going to work and it scares me. I always thought love was supposed to be amazing and make you feel like everything is right in the world but instead  I feel like I am one step away from disaster. I don't understand why people want this. I have given someone the power to utterly destroy me and that scares the shit out of me. I am tired of crying and I try to not care but I can't help it. I know he has a lot going on and I know that maybe this wasn't the best time for us to try this but it happened. Honestly I wish it hadn't. I was must better off hoping for a someday then knowing that my someday could have come and gone in the blink of an eye. I lied when I told him I was strong, I thought I was but I can't take this. Every time something happens I get shut out and I tell myself its ok he just needs space and I can do that and I am ok for a few days but then it just starts eating away at me and I wonder why I am doing this to myself. If it was anyone but him I would be gone by now. I can't give up though, I can't walk away, I can't throw in the towel when I am in reach of getting the one thing I have known I always wanted. I think I am crazy but isn't this what people do, fight for love? I won't give up. I have become one of those people I have always thought were crazy for pursing an impossible goal. But love is supposed to make you crazy right? I have come this far why should I give up now. Even if it kills me I need to know I did everything I could, so that if he walks away I can try to forget. I can't spent another four years wondering what if.

a need to write

I am not romantic in the normal sense. I identify more with characters who have loved and lost, because I thought I had loved and lost. Until recently the only person I ever truly loved was on a long term committed relationship. For over four years he he has haunted my daily thoughts and even been in my dreams. Dreams that seemed so real it left me emotionally drained. As a wiccian I believe in the possibility of astro-projection and of two souls with a deep enough connection seeking each other out in the dream realm. In the last dream I had about my lost love there was a door. I knew if I walked through it the dreams would end and I would get closure. I opened the door and took a step but on the dream he grabbed me and pulled me to.him. then whispered in my ear he would never let me go. Not even two days later I got a text from a number I didn't know.....it was him saying his girlfriend had kicked him out and wanting to know how I was. Seeing his name took my breath away and made my heart skip a beat. It made me think that maybe he loves me too. The only problem is my live in boyfriend. He and I aren't meant to be but I hate hurting people. I care about him but it isn't love. He is to controlling and demanding for my free spirit and we clash a lot. I don't think he even trusts me. I don't think you van have love without trust. I'm at a loss for what to do. I need to reach out and take a chance but I am afraid. I know I want to be free I just am having problems taking the first step.

Awating my Next Destination

I have completed another semester of college with a 3.1 success thanks to my C+ in ASL, because my teacher wanted us to write in English not ASL gloss (this is a tough subject for me because I think if you understand what is being said it shouldn't matter how you wrote it)
I have only three semesters left until I graduate but I can't help thinking I don't want to be a journalist. I am going to finish my degree but I really think I am going to go back and get a degree in both psychology and anthropology. It would incorporate the three things I love: writing, helping people, and history. Not to mention three degrees are better than one.
I can't help but feel that I am not on the right course in life. I think once I finish school I am moving out of state or country and finding something new and stepping out of my comfort zone.
I think that is really what I need...a break from the norm.

Summer jet lag has set in

Summer and I have a love hate relationship. I love it becasue I don't have as much to do and in a sense can get a lot accomplished becasue I don't have school and homework to take up my time. I hate it because in reality I don't get anything done. I get up in the late afternoon and either go to work or veg. I don't really get anything done and tend to be more lazy in the summer time.

I woke up at 2 today and feel lethargic. I have been somewhat productive, did some dishes have have spent the last hour watching tutorials for the programs I have to learn by September for my radio class.

However sleeping so much makes me feel icky but I can never bring myself to get out of bed. Especially when I have someone to cuddle with. I set my alarm to get up early but knowing I don't have to get up and I really have nothing to do makes it really hard to get out of bed.

It is too hot to hit the gym, the heat effects me way more then it did when I was in my teens. Making me dizzy and sick, I am out of books and the internet can only entertain me for so long. I need something to get me up and moving.

Part of me is glad school starts in 11 days because then I will be getting up and doing stuff.

Part of me dreads is because my classes suck this semester and I am not looking forward to them at all.

I guess I just need some motivation but I am lacking both that and a means to get it.

Summer always seems to be my favorite time because I have more free time, but in reality I don't think more free time is healthy for me. I need to be productive but I really don't know how.

Do they realize?

I don't think people realize how hard things are for me. I have recently decided to get rid of one of my cats. Not becasue I don't love her, I do very much so and I know she needs to be some place where she is the only cat. My youngest cat and now her brother are both attacking her. My boyfriend and I both think she is sick, I have seen her have one seizure and that is why they attack her and want nothing to do with her.

Their attacks have led her to fear them and she won't pass them at all. One multiple occasions they have trapped her and she has gone to the bathroom on the couch and my bed. I can't take her doing that and she shouldn't have to live in fear.

So I told my mom, who blames me saying I brought strange animals into her home and that is why she isn't going in the litter box all the time. One this is a recent development and we have had Beast (youngest cat) for almost two years. And though we have adopted 2 rats and an iguana they are in a separate room with the door closed and don't associate with the cats at all. But some how it is all my fault.

I don't want to get rid of her but she isn't happy here and hasn't been for sometime. I am taking her to the vet soon to get a check up and either have her euthanized if she is really sick or get her medicine and a new home.

I wish my mom would realize that I thought long and hard about this and it is what is best for Charity. She shouldn't be afraid in her own home.

Second is people don't realize how financialy unstable I am. My mom lectures me about how I make 24,000 a year but can't pay my bills and blah blah blah. I make enough to get by, when things that aren't in my budget pop it it completely screws me. It isn't like I am going out all the time, I don't drink, I don't party, I don't buy drugs all my money goes to bills, gas and food. Most of my socks have holes in them, I can only wear maybe 3 pairs of my pants my shirts are holey but I can't buy clothes. I wait for holidays to ask for the things I need. Just because I make a lot to some people I put out a shit ton of money to bills and gas. I drive an old Jimmy SUV gas ain't cheap and when my job and school are 30 min away gas kills me. My dad didn't listen when I asked for a car with good gas mileage, now I am suffering for it.

I want to be able to do fun things, like go out to places and visit my friends but I can't afford too. It isn't becasue I Don't like them or don't want to spend time with them I just can't. I try to compensate with emails, phone, calls and texts some of them even come see me when they can. I do what I can with what I can but sometimes it just isn't enough. So one is always disappointed with me, parents, family, friend, my boyfriend I just want someone to see how hard I try and how hard this is on me.

Cousin Dearest

I think some of our recent problems (we haven't fought since we started communicating I mean the increase in fighting before this last week)has to do with his cousin.

When I say that know that for the most part she is pretty cool, she is just over bearing. She checks up on him like a mother would to her son and has a tendency to aggravate him with her constant calls and texts.

Then once he is aggravated at her I tend to aggravate him more because he is upset with her. Missed place blame and what not. He won't say anything to her because she is the only family member he has that stands by him no matter what. She also has a tendency to take things personally. If he or me for that matter said anything to her about it she would wig out and think we were attacking her or something.

I know she loves him and has his best intentions in mind but she is defiantly one of those people I wish I could speak my mind too. My boyfriend would be happier if she would give him a little space and I would be happier since he would be.

This reminded me of her:
My daily tarot card
card: The Devil
Obsession. Compulsion. Overzealous behavior. Difficult relationships. Don't allow the darker side of things to control the situation. Negative emotions are trying to come into play. Time to reverse them before it's too late. Something is trying to chain you. An problem of some sort that is difficult to overcome at the present time. Seek outside help when forces may be greater than you. Possible opinions of others having too much influence in your life. The need to break free of something.

the last two lines pretty much summed her up.

Birth control

Since about my Junior year of high school I can remember feeling like I have no emotions. Lately it has turned into depression. I though I was feeling this way because I was picking up on Floyd's emotions and that are fights were causing my sadness.

Then I took a week break from my birth control......and all those feelings went away and I was normal again....then I started yesterday and once again I feel nothing and feel depressed.

Now I am stuck in a catch 22. I did some research, all birth control (patch, shot, pills, ring) have this side effect. I don't want to feel like this, but I also don't want a baby yet.

I really don't know what to do......