Not my ussaly perky self

These last couple days have been really bad. My eyes feel all droopy and I don't feel like smiling. I am not happy, I cry for dumb reasons, I just want to be alone, do nothing and sleep. I miss my boyfriend. I have hardly seem him this last week and when I try and tell him I want some us time he either promised to help out someone or he invites people over. I just want to spend time with him and right now he is in the office with two of his friends and I am alone of the couch. No wonder I feel bad about myself right now. I haven't had any attention in a week. He isn't there when I got to bed and most times he isn't there when I go to bed. I just want to see him and spend time with him. I am to sad to even clean the house even though a dirty house makes me even more sad I just can't bring myself to clean becasue I don't see the point. I don't see the point of anything. I think I am lost. I don't care about anything. I just want to sleep and be alone.

I hate plans

something....most things in my case, don't go as planned. Even though I got all dressed up pretty I didn't get to go out last night :( Kinda dissapointed

Let the Drinking games begin

In less than 30 minutes I turn 21!! That means I am finally an adult in my book. I am not going to be one of those alcoholic 21 year olds but I plan on having a cocktail every now in then. I am off to get ready to hit the bar for the first time ever!!!!

My Summer Reading

My sister is pregnant ( I am not, thank the goddess.) So to help her prepare I have got a bunch of books about pregnancy and babies from the library. I also got a whole bunch about relationships.

They are about how to make it work and what to do before marriage etc.. I am kind of excited. They aren't in yet but they are all on the way. I am hoping to have the first batch by Monday or Tuesday. I am weird I know. My friend told me my sister should read the books, but its probably best if I do and summarize for her or maybe make a study guide.

The relationship books are for me and my man. We have a list of 69 things to do before marriage and we have two more years until I am out of school, so we are going to start working on things now so we will be ready then. I marry for life so we want to make everything between us great before we commit to each other fully.

10 things I have learned in life so far

*Its on the list of things to do before you get married*

1. We control our own destinies, the goddess is only their to guide us not control us.
2. Anything is possible, nothing it to far fetched or unachievable. In you believe in something enough you can make it happen.
3. Money may not be the most important thing in the world, but you can't live without it.
4. Living on your own is hard, bills pile up, sometimes you can't eat, and doing the dishes every day kind of sucks, and even though mom always made home cooked meals look easy they aren't.
5. Nothing is perfect all the time.
6. Bad things happen, you just have to take them as is and make the best of them.
7. Friends and family are everything.
8. Finding out who your real friends are is hard, people you care about will betray you, but it has to happen. Eventually you have to cut the negative people out of your life, no matter how much it hurts, or they will destroy you.
9. You never forget your first love, but finding you true love makes you realize how wrong your first love was for you.
10. There is always someone to help you, you do not have to go through life alone.

My Eulogy

* I don't plan on dying any time soon. I have a list of 69 things to do before you get married one of which is too write your own eulogy.*

Stephanie Nicole Deal was many things. A daughter, a sister, a best friend, a fiance, a shoulder to cry on, an ear that was always there to listen, a writer, an artist, and so many other things that would create an endless list of parts that made her who she was.

Most people called her Stevie, named after the infamous Stevie Nicks, she shared many traits with her name sake. She was a rocker at heart but she liked all music no matter the genre or country of origin, for example she has a rather large collection of Indian Dance music, that she had no problem showing you how to dance too.

She was Wiccian and loved nature enough to be called a tree hugging hippie. She wouldn't litter and had a tendency to bring in stray animals giving or finding them a home. On a few occasions she put herself in danger trying to help animals that didn't really want her help. One dog even chased her from Dollar General to the Ordinary when she tried to see his collar to take him home, but that didn't stop her from approaching stray dogs.

She was a great friend and was always there for what ever her friends needed be it an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on or some weird voodoo ritual that though blurred the lines between black and white magic she helped her friend out because that is just how she is. She would do anything to make those around her happy even if it made her unhappy.

She was kind, unless you hurt one of her own then she was a force to be reckoned with.

She loved many and only one stole her heart. Even when the world seemed against them she stood by his side and learned who her real friends were. She believed in herself and didn't let the opinions of others affect what she knew to be true in her heart.

She was a seeker of truth and knowledge and had a collection of random facts that she liked to share with everyone.

She was an avid reader, which was obvious to anyone who helped her move. She had more boxes of books then cloths, which is saying a lot for a girl.

She was a vegetarian and slightly a health nut, except when it came to chocolate and ice cream. and Taco Bell which she ate frequently sometimes twice a day.

She lived a great life and helped out everyone she met. Any one who knew her was blessed by her presence. She was the kind of person people strive to be like. Kind, caring and understanding, always there when you needed her. She was always there for the people in her life. She kept her troubles inside and rarely let people know how she was feeling.

She believed in the impossible. In magic, fairy tales, urban myths, paranormal creatures and happy ever afters. She believed that all people were good you just had to find it inside them. She believed that good would always prosper over evil. She was always optimistic, her glass always half full.

Stevie was an individual, she didn't conform to what people wanted her to be, she remained true to herself and was a fighter until the end.

This was her theme song. Sweet Silver Lining by Kate Voegel

Well I'm going home
Downhearted and hoping
I'm close to some new beginning
I know there's a reason for everything
That comes and goes

[Chorus]
But so many people are looking to me
To be strong and to fight
But I'm just surviving
And I may be weak but I'm not defeated
And I'll keep believing
In clouds with that sweet silver lining

[Verse 2]
Most days I try
My best to put on a brave face
But inside
My bones are cold and my heart breaks
But all the while
Something's keeping me safe and alive

[Chorus]
But so many people are looking to me
To be strong and to fight
But I'm just surviving
And I may be weak but I'm never defeated
And I'll keep believing
In clouds with that sweet silver lining

And I won't give up like this
I will be given strength
Now that I've found it
Nothing can take that away

[Chorus x2]

I know more then you think I do

It is true. So many people confide in me or ask me for advice that most times I know both sides of the story. Most people have no clue that I know what is going on.

I could tell, but then I would be taking the secrets entrusted to me and setting them free. Which isn't right.

Part of me wishes I could tell everyone what was really going on. I feel bad that they are confused. I have the power to enlighten them.

But I can't.

I am like a therapist. I have doctor patient confidentiality. I can't betray one friend for another. Sometimes it sucks.

It is like having the power to save the world and not being able to use it.

I could end their suffering but in doing so I would cause another person pain.

In the end I will remain the neutral party. I know all and see all, but like the Oracle of Delphi I can not directly tell my truths. I can give only riddles and poems.