I just want to be good enough

His friends think I look down on him because I am the one with the job and the one that pays for everything. They don't even really know me...but I wonder if any of them realize how he makes me feel when I can't buy him a pack of cigarettes or can't drive him up to Indy to do a job for my aunt unless I have to head up there for work. I have to save gas...Verizon lied to me and fucked me over so 80 dollars of my rent money had to go to them. All the money I get in the next two weeks is for rent. I have to watch my gas and the money. I can't buy extras..... I drive an old big blazer, it guzzles gas, a thirty minute drive kills a fourth of a tank, that could have gotten me to work. I don't see why it is a big deal for him to go up there with me drop me at work, do his job and then spend a few hours with his friends until I get off. I really just want to tell his friends that I don't look down on him for not having money I only get upset about the situation when he makes me feel like I am not doing good enough, not making enough money, not budgeting.....I always do so good, have all my money planned then something pops up that I have to pay for. I don't have extra money to cover these things. I work my ass off. I just want him to be happy. I want to be happy. Money can ruin relationships and I don't want to let it ruin this one.

On a side note I want to ask why when his friends say bad things about me he says he sees where they are coming from and even agrees with him, but when my friends said something bad about, which I knew to be false I stood up for him and when they continued to treat him like shit and falsely accuse him I dumped them. You can always find better friends who don't judge and spread rumors. Finding someone you love and want to spend forever with is hundreds of times harder.

Sometimes I wish I was more honest

I have this friend who I was really close with in high school but we were gradually growing apart until I introduced her and her soon to be husband to my boyfriend. They all hit it off and my boyfriend and her husband are now bffs. I don't particularly like hanging out with them because they party all the time and I don't like being around that on a constant basis and it seems to be all they want to do.
A couple days ago I came home from work and my boyfriend seemed a little down and I asked him about it. He precedes to tell me that MY friend told him that I look down on him because I am the only one with a job and I have to pay for everything and that I treat him like a child. One, I don't look down on him I don't care that I am the bread winner or not. Seeing as I am in college I always expected to be the one making the most money. I don't care about that. Two, I don't look down on him or treat him like a child. Three, who the hell is she to tell my boyfriend that.
Then my boyfriend tells me not to be mad at her because she is sad we don't hang out or talk like we used too. I don't hand out with her because I don't want to party all the time, I have other things to focus on like work and school. I really don't want to hang out with her now. I feel like everyone always tries to come between me and my boyfriend.
Then today, my boyfriend went to court and got probation for 180 days. I told her husband and he was like that's not long until he can party again. Seeing as how you can't drink on probation and are subject to random drug tests. I was so pissed. They shouldn't sit around waiting for him to be free again, they should encourage him to stay clean forever. I really think they are bad examples to my boyfriend and I wish he would find friends who were a little more mature and grown up.

I really wish I could find away to tell these people off without them tattling to my boyfriend. They treat me like a child and talk bad about me behind my back but they are the immature ones who need to grow up and join the real world.

I want my freedom

Sometimes I think I am not cut out for relationships. I hate that he expects me to ask him before I do anything. I am a free spirit. I don't usually make plans I go with the flow and see where it takes me. I don't usually follow through on plans because shit happens. I don't feel up too it, traffic etc...get in the way. I just want to be able to do things with out him. He can go out and have fun with his friends but god forbid I want to go out. Then all hell breaks lose. Don't get me wrong I love him and can honestly see myself with him forever but I need space. I am not going to go out and cheat or do other stupid thing. I know in all his past relationships that is what happened but I am not like that. I feel trapped and untrusted. I just want the same freedom I give him. I hate these double standards. I need to be free or I will perish. I feel trapped, like I Have to give up what I want to make him happy. But what about my happiness? What about what I want. I try to tell him that but he always turns it into an argument. I can't give in. I need to be free of chains. I hope that doesn't mean an end to us. We have to learn to compromise but he always just wants his way.

..............................

Maybe I do this to myself. I was doing so good. Yesterday was great, today started that way........I am the one who let that one thing ruin it.........maybe I just need to ask for what I want. Asking for it isn't the same though........ I just wanted to go to lunch together.........to spend time together. Apparently when he said he wasn't hungry it didn't mean we couldn't go.........but that's what it sounded like to me. So I got upset and didn't say anything but when I did it was to late. I don't get my lunch date, instead I lay alone in the dark...hungry and alone. Is it to much ask to want him to know when I want something but don't want to ask. It seems unreasonable even to me. I just want those little things. He asked me if I wanted to get lunch and I was so excited. Then he asked what I wanted because he wasn't really hungry and I just said nothing, because it wasn't the food I cared about. It was just going out together. Am I really the one that ruined it??? Along with my day. Now I can't bring my self to smile, I don't want to laugh, I want to cry......... Maybe I am the cause of my depression by expecting to much, then getting upset when it doesn't happen. I just hate this endless sadness.

Back to the blues

Once again I am back to feeling down. It started Monday and has progressed into today. I don't know how long it will last, but the last time I felt this way for almost two weeks. I don't understand why it happens. All I know is I don't feel like doing anything, I don't feel happy, I Don't smile, and I can't fix it. I hate when it happens though. I have so much to do and I just can't bring my self to do it. I hate this feeling and that it lasts forever. All I want to do is sleep because my head feels all floaty and I don't feel good at all. I wish there was something I could do to end it, but alas there is nothing and it drives me insane. I hate hate hate this!!

A random get to know me moment

I used to do surveys all the time, I love answering questions. I don't have as much time these days to do many.

1. One of your scars, how did you get it?
A few on my legs from my first years of shaving, those were dark days :( and two on my arm one from where my dog bit me and the other from my dad's friend's cigarette

2. What is on the walls in your room?
My pirate memorabilia, Johnny Depp pictures and my boyfriend's rebel flag

3. What is your current living situation?
I live in an apartment with my boyfriend and our 3 cats, 2 rats and the iguana.

4. What type of music do you listen to?
A little of everything, but heavy on the rock

5. Do you know what time you were born?
8am i believe but don't quote me on that

6. What do you want more than anything right now?
sleep, and work. I need to start working out more.

7. What do you miss?
being carefree

8. What is your most prized possession(s)?
My books.

9. How tall are you?
5'3

10. Are you claustrophobic?
nope, I want a coffin bed like Abbie on NCIS

11. Do you get scared in the dark?
Sometimes, I fear the things the dark can hide

12. The last person to make you cry?
myself, sometimes I cry for no reason idk why

13 What is your worst fear?
being poor and not being able to support my family

14. What kind of hair/eye color do you like on the opposite sex?
usually brown hair green/blue eyes, if you look at my former bf.

15. Where can you see yourself being proposed to at?
Something memorable to tell the grandkids

16.Coffee or energy drink?
Neither. water or tea only.

17. Favorite pizza topping?
cheese

18. If you could eat anything right now, what would it be?
taco bell

19. Favorite color of all time?
orange.

20. Have you ever eaten a goldfish?
cracker yes actual fish, no

21. What was the first meaningful gift you've ever received?
My hand made baby blanket

22. Do you have a crush?
On my boyfriend but I think at this point it is way deeper then a crush

23. Are you double jointed?
no :(

24. Favorite clothing brand?
I don't really care about brands clothes are clothes

25. Who is your favorite female/male celebrity?
Megan Fox and Johnny Depp

26. Do you have a pet?
three cats (Benji, Charity, Beast) 2 rats (Posiden and neptune) and an iguana (Hermes)

27. What kind is it?
see 26

28. Would you fall in love knowing that the person is leaving?
yeah cause I would follow them where ever they went

30. Say a number from one to a hundred:
15

31. Blonds, brunettes, or red heads?
Brunettes, because I am one.

32.Favorite quote?
"To all our listeners, this is what I have to say, God bless you all! As for you bastards in charge, don't dream it's over. All over the world young men and young women will always dream and put those dreams into song." pirate radio

33. Favorite place?
where ever Floyd is

34. Have you been out of the USA?
not yet.

35. Your weakness?
books

36. Met anyone famous?
Jimmy mad dog madus, cannibal corpse, wank and o'brian

37. First job?
New bethel ordinary (my only job..going on 4 years).

38. Ever done a prank call?
I was in the room, but I was ever actually on the phone.

39. Do you think everyone out there has a soul mate?
yes.

40.What were you doing before you filled this out?
getting ready to shower.

41. Have you ever had surgery?
nope

42. What do you get complimented about most?
my eyes

43.Have you ever had braces?
no

44. What do you want for your birthday?
My birthday just passed,

45. How many kids do you want and their names?
2 Icely Charlotte and Octavius Roland

46. Were you named after anyone?
Yes, Stevie Nicks

47. What is your biggest turn-off of the opposite sex?
racism, sexism and any prejudice and anyone who is controlling.

48. What is the one thing you liked about high school?
seeing my friends everyday

49. What kind of shampoo do you use?
Herbal Essence long term relationship

50. Do you like your handwriting?
Sometimes. Other times, I hate it.

51. What is your favorite lunch meat?
tofu ham

52. Any bad habits?
Procrastination and laziness.

53. Are you a jealous person?
no

54. If you were another person, would you be friends with you?
Of course. I'm awesome.

55. Do you agree with "friend with benefits?"
it can work until one friends gets feelings for another.

56. Do looks matter?
Yes

57. How do you release anger?
I don't most times I am in situations when I can't do anything. but sometimes I can't help it and I act rude and let them know I am pissed

58. OH NO, THIS IS MISSING!

59. What's your main goal in life?
To be successful and to not let others keep me from my dreams

60. What was your favorite toy as a child?
my glow work Oscar

61. How old were you when you first fell in love?
18

62. Were you a fan of Barney as a little kid?
for awhile

63. Do you use sarcasm?
No.....(in a sarcastic tone)

64. Mashed potatoes or macaroni and cheese?
both.

65. What do you look for in a guy/girl?
equal, fun, not controlling, free, hardworking, faithful

66. What are your nicknames?
Stevie, Steve, Steve-o, baby

67. Favorite super hero?
Spider Man

68. What's your favorite TV show?
One tree hill or vampire diaries

69.What's the best way to deal with you enemies?
three fold law, karma will get them

70. What's your favorite ice cream flavor?
mint chocolate chip

71. Do you have all your fingers and toes?
why wouldn't I?????

72. Do you have a computer in your room?
My laptop goes with me everywhere.

73. Plans for tonight?
watching the gates then bed

74. Where do you want to live when you are older?
Louisiana

75.Do you want everyone to answer these questions?
that is up to them

76. What are you listening to?
the idiot neighbors fire works

77. Last thing you drank?
water

78. Last person you talked to on the phone?
Kara

79. The first thing you notice in the opposite sex?
eyes and teeth

80. What do you like to do in your spare time?
read, listen to music, watch movies

81. Favorite thing to hate?
Chris Cornell .

82. Favorite season of the year?
spring

83. What's your favorite type of candy?
resse cups

84. Have you ever really truly had a best friend?
I still do, and I actually have two.

85. What color is your hair?
dark brown with a reddish tint

86. Eye color?
golden brown

87. Shoe size?
Oh, 8.5-9, depending on the shoe.

88. Favorite fast food place?
taco bell

89. Favorite restaurant?
Noodles and Co

90. Do you like sushi?
no I am a vegetarian

91. Watch TV today?
nope

92. Favorite day of the year?
halloween.

93. Play any musical instruments?
clarinet, recorder

94. Republican or Democrat.
neither I believe you should vote for the person and the issues not the party

95. Kisses or hugs.
Both

96. Relationship or one night stands?
Oh definitely relationship.

97. What is the last thing someone bought you.
I bought myself a tea

98. Would you ever be a housewife?
yeah

99. What book are you reading?
the secret

100.Describe your love life.
forever and always

friends: the joke of the universe

Once again this year I have had to cut a friend out of my life. I have lost tract of how many of stabbed me in the back so far. If this is what getting older entails I really need to find Neverland and never grow old.

This one was probably the worst, so far. One of my so called best friends, in reality no more then a two faced b****.

She can go on pretending she loves him and that he treats her right. That,s fine by me I just hope she realized that if she hadn't let him control her every move she would have saved both me and her some trouble.

I got this apartment because of her and she left two months into the lease because he didn't like me. Now I am stuck with all the bill, can barely afford to eat, and had to allow someone else to live here which turned out why worse for me. If she had only honored her promise and her friendship we would both be happy.

Guess friends just use you and bail on you when it is convenient for them.

This is all I have to say to you. I hope your happy, I hope your life is way easier then the trouble you have caused in mine. I hope you realize you deserve better and can do better than a guy who controls everything you do and tries to change who you are. I hope some day you realize you are beautiful and you don't need to excessively diet. I hope things work out for you and that years from now I don't read you killed your self or starved yourself to death. I know you can be great, I hope some day you know that too. I just can't be here for you any more when all you do is treat me like shit. Good-bye have a great life.