Love, the wicked thing it is

I reread my last post, from so long ago and it made me cry. The funny thing is in the last six weeks my former live in boyfriend broke up with me and I have been dating the boy from the post. Who wouldn't let me walk out the door in my dream, who I have been in love with for four years and who is the only person in the whole world who has the power to destroy me. I have realized what a horrible idea it was to date the one person I could never get out my head. I am so afraid that when things go wrong I will be left in pieces with no idea of how to put myself back together. We both have so much baggage and I am so afraid this isn't going to work and it scares me. I always thought love was supposed to be amazing and make you feel like everything is right in the world but instead  I feel like I am one step away from disaster. I don't understand why people want this. I have given someone the power to utterly destroy me and that scares the shit out of me. I am tired of crying and I try to not care but I can't help it. I know he has a lot going on and I know that maybe this wasn't the best time for us to try this but it happened. Honestly I wish it hadn't. I was must better off hoping for a someday then knowing that my someday could have come and gone in the blink of an eye. I lied when I told him I was strong, I thought I was but I can't take this. Every time something happens I get shut out and I tell myself its ok he just needs space and I can do that and I am ok for a few days but then it just starts eating away at me and I wonder why I am doing this to myself. If it was anyone but him I would be gone by now. I can't give up though, I can't walk away, I can't throw in the towel when I am in reach of getting the one thing I have known I always wanted. I think I am crazy but isn't this what people do, fight for love? I won't give up. I have become one of those people I have always thought were crazy for pursing an impossible goal. But love is supposed to make you crazy right? I have come this far why should I give up now. Even if it kills me I need to know I did everything I could, so that if he walks away I can try to forget. I can't spent another four years wondering what if.

a need to write

I am not romantic in the normal sense. I identify more with characters who have loved and lost, because I thought I had loved and lost. Until recently the only person I ever truly loved was on a long term committed relationship. For over four years he he has haunted my daily thoughts and even been in my dreams. Dreams that seemed so real it left me emotionally drained. As a wiccian I believe in the possibility of astro-projection and of two souls with a deep enough connection seeking each other out in the dream realm. In the last dream I had about my lost love there was a door. I knew if I walked through it the dreams would end and I would get closure. I opened the door and took a step but on the dream he grabbed me and pulled me to.him. then whispered in my ear he would never let me go. Not even two days later I got a text from a number I didn't know.....it was him saying his girlfriend had kicked him out and wanting to know how I was. Seeing his name took my breath away and made my heart skip a beat. It made me think that maybe he loves me too. The only problem is my live in boyfriend. He and I aren't meant to be but I hate hurting people. I care about him but it isn't love. He is to controlling and demanding for my free spirit and we clash a lot. I don't think he even trusts me. I don't think you van have love without trust. I'm at a loss for what to do. I need to reach out and take a chance but I am afraid. I know I want to be free I just am having problems taking the first step.

Awating my Next Destination

I have completed another semester of college with a 3.1 success thanks to my C+ in ASL, because my teacher wanted us to write in English not ASL gloss (this is a tough subject for me because I think if you understand what is being said it shouldn't matter how you wrote it)
I have only three semesters left until I graduate but I can't help thinking I don't want to be a journalist. I am going to finish my degree but I really think I am going to go back and get a degree in both psychology and anthropology. It would incorporate the three things I love: writing, helping people, and history. Not to mention three degrees are better than one.
I can't help but feel that I am not on the right course in life. I think once I finish school I am moving out of state or country and finding something new and stepping out of my comfort zone.
I think that is really what I need...a break from the norm.

Summer jet lag has set in

Summer and I have a love hate relationship. I love it becasue I don't have as much to do and in a sense can get a lot accomplished becasue I don't have school and homework to take up my time. I hate it because in reality I don't get anything done. I get up in the late afternoon and either go to work or veg. I don't really get anything done and tend to be more lazy in the summer time.

I woke up at 2 today and feel lethargic. I have been somewhat productive, did some dishes have have spent the last hour watching tutorials for the programs I have to learn by September for my radio class.

However sleeping so much makes me feel icky but I can never bring myself to get out of bed. Especially when I have someone to cuddle with. I set my alarm to get up early but knowing I don't have to get up and I really have nothing to do makes it really hard to get out of bed.

It is too hot to hit the gym, the heat effects me way more then it did when I was in my teens. Making me dizzy and sick, I am out of books and the internet can only entertain me for so long. I need something to get me up and moving.

Part of me is glad school starts in 11 days because then I will be getting up and doing stuff.

Part of me dreads is because my classes suck this semester and I am not looking forward to them at all.

I guess I just need some motivation but I am lacking both that and a means to get it.

Summer always seems to be my favorite time because I have more free time, but in reality I don't think more free time is healthy for me. I need to be productive but I really don't know how.

Do they realize?

I don't think people realize how hard things are for me. I have recently decided to get rid of one of my cats. Not becasue I don't love her, I do very much so and I know she needs to be some place where she is the only cat. My youngest cat and now her brother are both attacking her. My boyfriend and I both think she is sick, I have seen her have one seizure and that is why they attack her and want nothing to do with her.

Their attacks have led her to fear them and she won't pass them at all. One multiple occasions they have trapped her and she has gone to the bathroom on the couch and my bed. I can't take her doing that and she shouldn't have to live in fear.

So I told my mom, who blames me saying I brought strange animals into her home and that is why she isn't going in the litter box all the time. One this is a recent development and we have had Beast (youngest cat) for almost two years. And though we have adopted 2 rats and an iguana they are in a separate room with the door closed and don't associate with the cats at all. But some how it is all my fault.

I don't want to get rid of her but she isn't happy here and hasn't been for sometime. I am taking her to the vet soon to get a check up and either have her euthanized if she is really sick or get her medicine and a new home.

I wish my mom would realize that I thought long and hard about this and it is what is best for Charity. She shouldn't be afraid in her own home.

Second is people don't realize how financialy unstable I am. My mom lectures me about how I make 24,000 a year but can't pay my bills and blah blah blah. I make enough to get by, when things that aren't in my budget pop it it completely screws me. It isn't like I am going out all the time, I don't drink, I don't party, I don't buy drugs all my money goes to bills, gas and food. Most of my socks have holes in them, I can only wear maybe 3 pairs of my pants my shirts are holey but I can't buy clothes. I wait for holidays to ask for the things I need. Just because I make a lot to some people I put out a shit ton of money to bills and gas. I drive an old Jimmy SUV gas ain't cheap and when my job and school are 30 min away gas kills me. My dad didn't listen when I asked for a car with good gas mileage, now I am suffering for it.

I want to be able to do fun things, like go out to places and visit my friends but I can't afford too. It isn't becasue I Don't like them or don't want to spend time with them I just can't. I try to compensate with emails, phone, calls and texts some of them even come see me when they can. I do what I can with what I can but sometimes it just isn't enough. So one is always disappointed with me, parents, family, friend, my boyfriend I just want someone to see how hard I try and how hard this is on me.

Cousin Dearest

I think some of our recent problems (we haven't fought since we started communicating I mean the increase in fighting before this last week)has to do with his cousin.

When I say that know that for the most part she is pretty cool, she is just over bearing. She checks up on him like a mother would to her son and has a tendency to aggravate him with her constant calls and texts.

Then once he is aggravated at her I tend to aggravate him more because he is upset with her. Missed place blame and what not. He won't say anything to her because she is the only family member he has that stands by him no matter what. She also has a tendency to take things personally. If he or me for that matter said anything to her about it she would wig out and think we were attacking her or something.

I know she loves him and has his best intentions in mind but she is defiantly one of those people I wish I could speak my mind too. My boyfriend would be happier if she would give him a little space and I would be happier since he would be.

This reminded me of her:
My daily tarot card
card: The Devil
Obsession. Compulsion. Overzealous behavior. Difficult relationships. Don't allow the darker side of things to control the situation. Negative emotions are trying to come into play. Time to reverse them before it's too late. Something is trying to chain you. An problem of some sort that is difficult to overcome at the present time. Seek outside help when forces may be greater than you. Possible opinions of others having too much influence in your life. The need to break free of something.

the last two lines pretty much summed her up.

Birth control

Since about my Junior year of high school I can remember feeling like I have no emotions. Lately it has turned into depression. I though I was feeling this way because I was picking up on Floyd's emotions and that are fights were causing my sadness.

Then I took a week break from my birth control......and all those feelings went away and I was normal again....then I started yesterday and once again I feel nothing and feel depressed.

Now I am stuck in a catch 22. I did some research, all birth control (patch, shot, pills, ring) have this side effect. I don't want to feel like this, but I also don't want a baby yet.

I really don't know what to do......

Making progress

These last few days have been really good. No fights, daily emails and some talking. Part of me is still scared he will decided we need a break but I remain hopeful.

I am reading a book called For Better: The Science of a Good Marriage by Tara Parker-Pope and am learning some pretty interesting things about marriage and relationships. I think it will help greatly as well. I am about halfway through the book and am enjoying it thoroughly.

I can't be mean when they are being nice

I came home from work said an awkward hello and headed to my room, then to the shower. After I was done in the shower his friend knocked on the door and told me she had brought me special leave in conditioner to help restore the kreten to my hair. I don't want to use it or take it but she was so nice about it.

I wish they could make avoiding them easy. I don't want a peace offering...

Now I don't know what to do...I can't give it back or tell her I don't want it, that is rude and my mother taught me better than that.

A new Begining

We finally talked. It was rough he brought up taking a break, I said I didn't think it would help since our problem is not communicating. So we are trying my plan which is to write each other daily (the talking part is still hard) and saying how we felt about the day both the good and the bad. That was two days ago.

Yesterday we had an actual talk about something that is a running disagreement between us in a civilized matter. We both disused our point of view without interrupting each other, arguing or fighting and came to an understanding. I think it was a major break through for us and I am very positive we will be ok.

With that being said I am now even more angry at his friends. Instead of supporting him positively they are trying to find him ways to party which aren't illegal. This just makes me more sure that they are bad influences and I am very disappointed in them. Even when he told them no they continued to try and convince him it was ok. The cherry on top is that they are spending the night tonight and I really don't think I am ok with that. I don't want to talk to them, I don't want to pretend to be nice to them. I also realize that they are my boyfriend's best friends and I won't tell him he can't have them over, because he wouldn't do that to me. In all honesty though I will probably never like his friends again, because this is the third time in less then two weeks they have been less then friends to me and to him. What they are doing is disrespectful: talking about me behind my back and going behind my back to temp my boyfriend even when he said no..... I can be civil until they say something and I told my boyfriend that I will be nice unless they say something then I can't promise I won't snap, because this time they have gone to far.

How do I stop hiding?

I am afraid to tell him how I really feel. I know we need to communicate more, but he takes everything I say the wrong way. Maybe I do word it wrong but every time I bring a problem up it escalates into a fight. Neither one of us can bring our selves to let out all that we keep inside.

There are times when I have told him some of the things that bother me but it never does any good. He either denies it happens, says I am wrong, that I don't understand, or that it is my fault. Its all defense mechanisms and I do it too, but I just don't understand how we can be so misguided about what the other is thinking and feeling.

Things go good for a few days then something happens he storms off to his cousins house and I am left alone to wonder what the hell happened.

On a side note his cousin tries to tell what I am doing wrong and what I should do. One it is not just my fault me and him are equally to blame, two she has no right to give me relationship advice when her love life is even more screwed up then mine. Also if I had brought a friend, cousin, family member etc.. Over to help us discuss our problems he would have been so pissed but its ok for him to do it to me?

Yet another thing I can't tell him. I don't know why we have such problems telling each other what is wrong but I feel like it is all my fault. I feel like if I just do what he wants all the time then we won't fight any more. But there lies the problem....I am not one of those girls who can just change everything about myself for a boy. I need to remain separate while still being together. I want to do things I like too and get to have a say in decisions and not have him get mad at me when I don't chose to do things his way.

I want this relationship to last forever, and I know that for that to happen we need to learn to communicate but I am at a total loss on how to do that. Neither one of us is an open emotion kind of person.

I honestly think we fight because both of us are afraid to completely give ourselves up to someone. I want to let him in and I want it to be good.



I don't want to fight anymore.....


I just want to be heard......

A thought I had

I have a great boyfriend. He treats me great helps me when I need him to, cleans, cooks, listens all the things a life partner should do. I realized that pretty much everything I blog about paints him in a negative light, but he isn't bad at all.

I have problems talking about my problems. I bottle everything up and writing is my outlet. The good things don't drive me insane. Its the bad things that I dwell on, so I have to release them. That is why my blogs tend to be about bad things. I have a pretty good balance between good and bad things. I attract drama for some odd reason.

I can't be mean to people so this is where I release me fears and anger. Don't miss judge my boyfriend he is defiantly husband material and we are working on our communication because both of us bottle everything up. We are getting there but it is going to be a long and hard journey.

So remember through all my rantings that he really is a great guy and like all couples we are slowly learning how to tell each other everything.

I just want to be good enough

His friends think I look down on him because I am the one with the job and the one that pays for everything. They don't even really know me...but I wonder if any of them realize how he makes me feel when I can't buy him a pack of cigarettes or can't drive him up to Indy to do a job for my aunt unless I have to head up there for work. I have to save gas...Verizon lied to me and fucked me over so 80 dollars of my rent money had to go to them. All the money I get in the next two weeks is for rent. I have to watch my gas and the money. I can't buy extras..... I drive an old big blazer, it guzzles gas, a thirty minute drive kills a fourth of a tank, that could have gotten me to work. I don't see why it is a big deal for him to go up there with me drop me at work, do his job and then spend a few hours with his friends until I get off. I really just want to tell his friends that I don't look down on him for not having money I only get upset about the situation when he makes me feel like I am not doing good enough, not making enough money, not budgeting.....I always do so good, have all my money planned then something pops up that I have to pay for. I don't have extra money to cover these things. I work my ass off. I just want him to be happy. I want to be happy. Money can ruin relationships and I don't want to let it ruin this one.

On a side note I want to ask why when his friends say bad things about me he says he sees where they are coming from and even agrees with him, but when my friends said something bad about, which I knew to be false I stood up for him and when they continued to treat him like shit and falsely accuse him I dumped them. You can always find better friends who don't judge and spread rumors. Finding someone you love and want to spend forever with is hundreds of times harder.

Sometimes I wish I was more honest

I have this friend who I was really close with in high school but we were gradually growing apart until I introduced her and her soon to be husband to my boyfriend. They all hit it off and my boyfriend and her husband are now bffs. I don't particularly like hanging out with them because they party all the time and I don't like being around that on a constant basis and it seems to be all they want to do.
A couple days ago I came home from work and my boyfriend seemed a little down and I asked him about it. He precedes to tell me that MY friend told him that I look down on him because I am the only one with a job and I have to pay for everything and that I treat him like a child. One, I don't look down on him I don't care that I am the bread winner or not. Seeing as I am in college I always expected to be the one making the most money. I don't care about that. Two, I don't look down on him or treat him like a child. Three, who the hell is she to tell my boyfriend that.
Then my boyfriend tells me not to be mad at her because she is sad we don't hang out or talk like we used too. I don't hand out with her because I don't want to party all the time, I have other things to focus on like work and school. I really don't want to hang out with her now. I feel like everyone always tries to come between me and my boyfriend.
Then today, my boyfriend went to court and got probation for 180 days. I told her husband and he was like that's not long until he can party again. Seeing as how you can't drink on probation and are subject to random drug tests. I was so pissed. They shouldn't sit around waiting for him to be free again, they should encourage him to stay clean forever. I really think they are bad examples to my boyfriend and I wish he would find friends who were a little more mature and grown up.

I really wish I could find away to tell these people off without them tattling to my boyfriend. They treat me like a child and talk bad about me behind my back but they are the immature ones who need to grow up and join the real world.

I want my freedom

Sometimes I think I am not cut out for relationships. I hate that he expects me to ask him before I do anything. I am a free spirit. I don't usually make plans I go with the flow and see where it takes me. I don't usually follow through on plans because shit happens. I don't feel up too it, traffic etc...get in the way. I just want to be able to do things with out him. He can go out and have fun with his friends but god forbid I want to go out. Then all hell breaks lose. Don't get me wrong I love him and can honestly see myself with him forever but I need space. I am not going to go out and cheat or do other stupid thing. I know in all his past relationships that is what happened but I am not like that. I feel trapped and untrusted. I just want the same freedom I give him. I hate these double standards. I need to be free or I will perish. I feel trapped, like I Have to give up what I want to make him happy. But what about my happiness? What about what I want. I try to tell him that but he always turns it into an argument. I can't give in. I need to be free of chains. I hope that doesn't mean an end to us. We have to learn to compromise but he always just wants his way.