Cousin Dearest

I think some of our recent problems (we haven't fought since we started communicating I mean the increase in fighting before this last week)has to do with his cousin.

When I say that know that for the most part she is pretty cool, she is just over bearing. She checks up on him like a mother would to her son and has a tendency to aggravate him with her constant calls and texts.

Then once he is aggravated at her I tend to aggravate him more because he is upset with her. Missed place blame and what not. He won't say anything to her because she is the only family member he has that stands by him no matter what. She also has a tendency to take things personally. If he or me for that matter said anything to her about it she would wig out and think we were attacking her or something.

I know she loves him and has his best intentions in mind but she is defiantly one of those people I wish I could speak my mind too. My boyfriend would be happier if she would give him a little space and I would be happier since he would be.

This reminded me of her:
My daily tarot card
card: The Devil
Obsession. Compulsion. Overzealous behavior. Difficult relationships. Don't allow the darker side of things to control the situation. Negative emotions are trying to come into play. Time to reverse them before it's too late. Something is trying to chain you. An problem of some sort that is difficult to overcome at the present time. Seek outside help when forces may be greater than you. Possible opinions of others having too much influence in your life. The need to break free of something.

the last two lines pretty much summed her up.

Birth control

Since about my Junior year of high school I can remember feeling like I have no emotions. Lately it has turned into depression. I though I was feeling this way because I was picking up on Floyd's emotions and that are fights were causing my sadness.

Then I took a week break from my birth control......and all those feelings went away and I was normal again....then I started yesterday and once again I feel nothing and feel depressed.

Now I am stuck in a catch 22. I did some research, all birth control (patch, shot, pills, ring) have this side effect. I don't want to feel like this, but I also don't want a baby yet.

I really don't know what to do......

Making progress

These last few days have been really good. No fights, daily emails and some talking. Part of me is still scared he will decided we need a break but I remain hopeful.

I am reading a book called For Better: The Science of a Good Marriage by Tara Parker-Pope and am learning some pretty interesting things about marriage and relationships. I think it will help greatly as well. I am about halfway through the book and am enjoying it thoroughly.

I can't be mean when they are being nice

I came home from work said an awkward hello and headed to my room, then to the shower. After I was done in the shower his friend knocked on the door and told me she had brought me special leave in conditioner to help restore the kreten to my hair. I don't want to use it or take it but she was so nice about it.

I wish they could make avoiding them easy. I don't want a peace offering...

Now I don't know what to do...I can't give it back or tell her I don't want it, that is rude and my mother taught me better than that.

A new Begining

We finally talked. It was rough he brought up taking a break, I said I didn't think it would help since our problem is not communicating. So we are trying my plan which is to write each other daily (the talking part is still hard) and saying how we felt about the day both the good and the bad. That was two days ago.

Yesterday we had an actual talk about something that is a running disagreement between us in a civilized matter. We both disused our point of view without interrupting each other, arguing or fighting and came to an understanding. I think it was a major break through for us and I am very positive we will be ok.

With that being said I am now even more angry at his friends. Instead of supporting him positively they are trying to find him ways to party which aren't illegal. This just makes me more sure that they are bad influences and I am very disappointed in them. Even when he told them no they continued to try and convince him it was ok. The cherry on top is that they are spending the night tonight and I really don't think I am ok with that. I don't want to talk to them, I don't want to pretend to be nice to them. I also realize that they are my boyfriend's best friends and I won't tell him he can't have them over, because he wouldn't do that to me. In all honesty though I will probably never like his friends again, because this is the third time in less then two weeks they have been less then friends to me and to him. What they are doing is disrespectful: talking about me behind my back and going behind my back to temp my boyfriend even when he said no..... I can be civil until they say something and I told my boyfriend that I will be nice unless they say something then I can't promise I won't snap, because this time they have gone to far.

How do I stop hiding?

I am afraid to tell him how I really feel. I know we need to communicate more, but he takes everything I say the wrong way. Maybe I do word it wrong but every time I bring a problem up it escalates into a fight. Neither one of us can bring our selves to let out all that we keep inside.

There are times when I have told him some of the things that bother me but it never does any good. He either denies it happens, says I am wrong, that I don't understand, or that it is my fault. Its all defense mechanisms and I do it too, but I just don't understand how we can be so misguided about what the other is thinking and feeling.

Things go good for a few days then something happens he storms off to his cousins house and I am left alone to wonder what the hell happened.

On a side note his cousin tries to tell what I am doing wrong and what I should do. One it is not just my fault me and him are equally to blame, two she has no right to give me relationship advice when her love life is even more screwed up then mine. Also if I had brought a friend, cousin, family member etc.. Over to help us discuss our problems he would have been so pissed but its ok for him to do it to me?

Yet another thing I can't tell him. I don't know why we have such problems telling each other what is wrong but I feel like it is all my fault. I feel like if I just do what he wants all the time then we won't fight any more. But there lies the problem....I am not one of those girls who can just change everything about myself for a boy. I need to remain separate while still being together. I want to do things I like too and get to have a say in decisions and not have him get mad at me when I don't chose to do things his way.

I want this relationship to last forever, and I know that for that to happen we need to learn to communicate but I am at a total loss on how to do that. Neither one of us is an open emotion kind of person.

I honestly think we fight because both of us are afraid to completely give ourselves up to someone. I want to let him in and I want it to be good.



I don't want to fight anymore.....


I just want to be heard......

A thought I had

I have a great boyfriend. He treats me great helps me when I need him to, cleans, cooks, listens all the things a life partner should do. I realized that pretty much everything I blog about paints him in a negative light, but he isn't bad at all.

I have problems talking about my problems. I bottle everything up and writing is my outlet. The good things don't drive me insane. Its the bad things that I dwell on, so I have to release them. That is why my blogs tend to be about bad things. I have a pretty good balance between good and bad things. I attract drama for some odd reason.

I can't be mean to people so this is where I release me fears and anger. Don't miss judge my boyfriend he is defiantly husband material and we are working on our communication because both of us bottle everything up. We are getting there but it is going to be a long and hard journey.

So remember through all my rantings that he really is a great guy and like all couples we are slowly learning how to tell each other everything.