Love, the wicked thing it is

I reread my last post, from so long ago and it made me cry. The funny thing is in the last six weeks my former live in boyfriend broke up with me and I have been dating the boy from the post. Who wouldn't let me walk out the door in my dream, who I have been in love with for four years and who is the only person in the whole world who has the power to destroy me. I have realized what a horrible idea it was to date the one person I could never get out my head. I am so afraid that when things go wrong I will be left in pieces with no idea of how to put myself back together. We both have so much baggage and I am so afraid this isn't going to work and it scares me. I always thought love was supposed to be amazing and make you feel like everything is right in the world but instead  I feel like I am one step away from disaster. I don't understand why people want this. I have given someone the power to utterly destroy me and that scares the shit out of me. I am tired of crying and I try to not care but I can't help it. I know he has a lot going on and I know that maybe this wasn't the best time for us to try this but it happened. Honestly I wish it hadn't. I was must better off hoping for a someday then knowing that my someday could have come and gone in the blink of an eye. I lied when I told him I was strong, I thought I was but I can't take this. Every time something happens I get shut out and I tell myself its ok he just needs space and I can do that and I am ok for a few days but then it just starts eating away at me and I wonder why I am doing this to myself. If it was anyone but him I would be gone by now. I can't give up though, I can't walk away, I can't throw in the towel when I am in reach of getting the one thing I have known I always wanted. I think I am crazy but isn't this what people do, fight for love? I won't give up. I have become one of those people I have always thought were crazy for pursing an impossible goal. But love is supposed to make you crazy right? I have come this far why should I give up now. Even if it kills me I need to know I did everything I could, so that if he walks away I can try to forget. I can't spent another four years wondering what if.