A thought I had

I have a great boyfriend. He treats me great helps me when I need him to, cleans, cooks, listens all the things a life partner should do. I realized that pretty much everything I blog about paints him in a negative light, but he isn't bad at all.

I have problems talking about my problems. I bottle everything up and writing is my outlet. The good things don't drive me insane. Its the bad things that I dwell on, so I have to release them. That is why my blogs tend to be about bad things. I have a pretty good balance between good and bad things. I attract drama for some odd reason.

I can't be mean to people so this is where I release me fears and anger. Don't miss judge my boyfriend he is defiantly husband material and we are working on our communication because both of us bottle everything up. We are getting there but it is going to be a long and hard journey.

So remember through all my rantings that he really is a great guy and like all couples we are slowly learning how to tell each other everything.

I just want to be good enough

His friends think I look down on him because I am the one with the job and the one that pays for everything. They don't even really know me...but I wonder if any of them realize how he makes me feel when I can't buy him a pack of cigarettes or can't drive him up to Indy to do a job for my aunt unless I have to head up there for work. I have to save gas...Verizon lied to me and fucked me over so 80 dollars of my rent money had to go to them. All the money I get in the next two weeks is for rent. I have to watch my gas and the money. I can't buy extras..... I drive an old big blazer, it guzzles gas, a thirty minute drive kills a fourth of a tank, that could have gotten me to work. I don't see why it is a big deal for him to go up there with me drop me at work, do his job and then spend a few hours with his friends until I get off. I really just want to tell his friends that I don't look down on him for not having money I only get upset about the situation when he makes me feel like I am not doing good enough, not making enough money, not budgeting.....I always do so good, have all my money planned then something pops up that I have to pay for. I don't have extra money to cover these things. I work my ass off. I just want him to be happy. I want to be happy. Money can ruin relationships and I don't want to let it ruin this one.

On a side note I want to ask why when his friends say bad things about me he says he sees where they are coming from and even agrees with him, but when my friends said something bad about, which I knew to be false I stood up for him and when they continued to treat him like shit and falsely accuse him I dumped them. You can always find better friends who don't judge and spread rumors. Finding someone you love and want to spend forever with is hundreds of times harder.

Sometimes I wish I was more honest

I have this friend who I was really close with in high school but we were gradually growing apart until I introduced her and her soon to be husband to my boyfriend. They all hit it off and my boyfriend and her husband are now bffs. I don't particularly like hanging out with them because they party all the time and I don't like being around that on a constant basis and it seems to be all they want to do.
A couple days ago I came home from work and my boyfriend seemed a little down and I asked him about it. He precedes to tell me that MY friend told him that I look down on him because I am the only one with a job and I have to pay for everything and that I treat him like a child. One, I don't look down on him I don't care that I am the bread winner or not. Seeing as I am in college I always expected to be the one making the most money. I don't care about that. Two, I don't look down on him or treat him like a child. Three, who the hell is she to tell my boyfriend that.
Then my boyfriend tells me not to be mad at her because she is sad we don't hang out or talk like we used too. I don't hand out with her because I don't want to party all the time, I have other things to focus on like work and school. I really don't want to hang out with her now. I feel like everyone always tries to come between me and my boyfriend.
Then today, my boyfriend went to court and got probation for 180 days. I told her husband and he was like that's not long until he can party again. Seeing as how you can't drink on probation and are subject to random drug tests. I was so pissed. They shouldn't sit around waiting for him to be free again, they should encourage him to stay clean forever. I really think they are bad examples to my boyfriend and I wish he would find friends who were a little more mature and grown up.

I really wish I could find away to tell these people off without them tattling to my boyfriend. They treat me like a child and talk bad about me behind my back but they are the immature ones who need to grow up and join the real world.

I want my freedom

Sometimes I think I am not cut out for relationships. I hate that he expects me to ask him before I do anything. I am a free spirit. I don't usually make plans I go with the flow and see where it takes me. I don't usually follow through on plans because shit happens. I don't feel up too it, traffic etc...get in the way. I just want to be able to do things with out him. He can go out and have fun with his friends but god forbid I want to go out. Then all hell breaks lose. Don't get me wrong I love him and can honestly see myself with him forever but I need space. I am not going to go out and cheat or do other stupid thing. I know in all his past relationships that is what happened but I am not like that. I feel trapped and untrusted. I just want the same freedom I give him. I hate these double standards. I need to be free or I will perish. I feel trapped, like I Have to give up what I want to make him happy. But what about my happiness? What about what I want. I try to tell him that but he always turns it into an argument. I can't give in. I need to be free of chains. I hope that doesn't mean an end to us. We have to learn to compromise but he always just wants his way.

..............................

Maybe I do this to myself. I was doing so good. Yesterday was great, today started that way........I am the one who let that one thing ruin it.........maybe I just need to ask for what I want. Asking for it isn't the same though........ I just wanted to go to lunch together.........to spend time together. Apparently when he said he wasn't hungry it didn't mean we couldn't go.........but that's what it sounded like to me. So I got upset and didn't say anything but when I did it was to late. I don't get my lunch date, instead I lay alone in the dark...hungry and alone. Is it to much ask to want him to know when I want something but don't want to ask. It seems unreasonable even to me. I just want those little things. He asked me if I wanted to get lunch and I was so excited. Then he asked what I wanted because he wasn't really hungry and I just said nothing, because it wasn't the food I cared about. It was just going out together. Am I really the one that ruined it??? Along with my day. Now I can't bring my self to smile, I don't want to laugh, I want to cry......... Maybe I am the cause of my depression by expecting to much, then getting upset when it doesn't happen. I just hate this endless sadness.

Back to the blues

Once again I am back to feeling down. It started Monday and has progressed into today. I don't know how long it will last, but the last time I felt this way for almost two weeks. I don't understand why it happens. All I know is I don't feel like doing anything, I don't feel happy, I Don't smile, and I can't fix it. I hate when it happens though. I have so much to do and I just can't bring my self to do it. I hate this feeling and that it lasts forever. All I want to do is sleep because my head feels all floaty and I don't feel good at all. I wish there was something I could do to end it, but alas there is nothing and it drives me insane. I hate hate hate this!!